Are you important?

-Nurse Jennie (really, I swear that’s her name!)

Why yes, I am. What kind of dumb-ass says “no”?

But, I said: “I hope so, I mean my mother and my son think so and so does the lady at the dry cleaners”.

I guess I need to work on my listening skills.

The horrified look on Jennie’s face faded with understanding and she repeated her question: “Are you im-po-tent?”

Ah….

I see….

My bad….

Checking boxes on surveys or circling 1’s thru 5’s on a sheet of paper is one thing. Sitting face to face with a living breathing person is, as they say, a tad off-putting…. Plus, she was blocking the door.

Nowhere to run to. Nowhere to hide.

The subject of impotence is touchy for most men except when we are lying about our sexploits- which happens more often than you might think. And you are a woman.

I answered: “What EXACTLY do you mean?”

I did not want to go off-road on this one.

“Are we talking about my little soldier standing at attention or are we talking about making baby juice?”

Patiently she explained that it was both- a two-part question- “Can you achieve an erection sufficient for penetration and intercourse? And can you achieve orgasm?”

Hmm. Wow. Nice Serve Jennie!

Game on!

Addressing the first question while pondering the appropriate units of measure for both, I replied: “Without Viagra or Cialis, the little guy is definitely not staring at the ceiling. And he doesn’t always look at my feet. Mostly, he just stares out over the horizon”.

To which I quickly added: “Oh yeah, my partner would have to be a super-model in smoking hot lingerie for that to even happen”.

I guess my answer was good enough because she wrote something down.

Now, the second question, on a standalone basis, is fraught with peril.

Is it a quantity or a quality question? Surely not both. And how would you measure either one?

I chose door #2. Door #1 was too complicated.

My answer: “On a scale of 1 to 10, I’ll say 10. As long I haven’t consumed any alcohol and my partner is using her best potty-mouth and she hasn’t crossed the goal line yet.”

She wrote some more stuff down.

Thank God that was over!

Wrong.

Jennie: “OK, now let’s talk about your urinary symptoms”.

Let’s don’t.

I said, with all the gusto I could muster: “Let’s do!”

Her second serve: “Trouble with urination? Like stopping and starting? A weak stream? Feeling like you have to go all the time? Trouble emptying your bladder? Getting up frequently at night to urinate?”.

Uh-huh, you go girl!

Have you been following me around?

Ready for the match to be over, I answered: “Yes to all of the above”.

Shaking her head: “How many times do you have to get up at night?”

Me: “Only four or five”. Hundred times.

Seriously guys, this is how it starts. Little issues gradually become big issues. Ladies pay attention and speak up.

Get checked out! Assuming the symptoms are a normal part of the aging process is a huge gamble.

Go see your doctor. Talk about it.

Talking won’t kill you- not talking about it could.

On the topic of sex, lack of libido does not mean you can’t have a sex life- you just don’t care about it as much or at all. The very concept that you don’t care about sex is foreign to most of us who have had sexual thoughts about every seven seconds since puberty.

Generally speaking, if you have a willing partner with patience and/or leather gear, and a drawer full of little blue pills, you’re golden.

As an added bonus, you don’t have to clear your browser history quite as often.

 

One thought on “Are you important?

  • ummmm kinda hoping no one see’s this .. but men in their 50’s don’t stand at attention without help. I mean, I never have had someone use the pill, but then patience is a virtue and I have plenty of it when it comes to making a soldier stand at attention. Point being.. it doesn’t even have to be at attention for delivery if you get my drift. Some care about sex, some care about working hard for the soldiers attention, some don’t care at all. and I very much liked this blog.. just sayin’. Raised to be a lady, learned to be a freak.

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